I have spent some time thinking about the ‘true value’ of relationships. I define relationships in a broad way, thus including friends, colleagues, partners, family. I think there must be some kind of mechanism that keeps all these bonds together, but at the same time it must allow change. What keeps people together? Why do we need this bonding anyway?

I guess that by bonding we rid ourselves from the cruelty of loneliness and from the risk of being unprotected. At the same time a bond confirms reciprocal appreciation of people. Also, by bonding we increase our chances of creating even more bonds. There must be some kind of upside down pyramid effect. When we lack bonds with others we are unappreciated and unprotected, which negatively effects our survival value.

During our youth most of us are connected to their family. Parents are the providers of food and shelter, and have a significant influence on the way we connect with people later in life. They maintain contact with other members of the family. They also provide an atmosphere that stimulates children to engage in friendships (at least theoretically they should).

For some of us relationships develop steadily. These people grow up, life and die in the same town. They will have their family close by, build a certain group of friends and select a partner that also lives inside this circle. As long as they stick with certain rules (avoiding topics of conversation e.g.) they will be protected and appreciated. Some of us life in a world where our living space changes over time.

In our age there are plenty opportunities for educated individuals. We travel the world, enjoy good food and have plenty of money to spent on clothing and electronics. In this environment we grew to individuals that have no ‘practical’ bonding to our birth ground. We have become footloose. We go there where we think that our well-being is highest. This movement leads to certain ruptures with the area we were living in till then.

As I have argued some times before, it seems as if struggling has become a thing of the past. When our wishes are not fulfilled, we just move to another place where we expect more pleasure to be added to our life. We are guided by the idea of ‘my neighbour has a greener and better cut lawn than I have’. At the same time, by moving out of a place we make a statement about our priorities to those that we leave behind.

I can hear the ‘buts’ arise. But there are means of telecommunication… But there are ways of transport… But distances have become shorter. Have they? Ever tried making love to another person through a phone line? Or do you prefer fibre glass? Ever taken care of your sick relative by flying there every day? Or was the sick relative the reason you had to leave? Did he / she spoil the pleasurable experiences in life?

Suppose, you have travelled the earth for ten years. You come back and tell me how many new and interesting people you encountered (no, I am not thinking of anyone in particular). How many of these people will stay with you? How many of them will visit you when you have a terrible disease. I am pretty sure you will get to know your friends quickly, and distances have grown from one day to the next. Our relationships are about giving and receiving. If you are turning a blind eye to suffering, you will meet people who do the same.

I think that our relationships require a (ever-moving) balance of continuity / renewal. We need certain anchor points (stable friendships with partner / parents / good friends). These anchor points do require continuous input from both sides. When you decide that there is always more pleasure around, you will not find these points of tranquillity and intimate commitment. You will race through friendships and relationships till you run out of breath.

People are kept together because of their desire to have protective and like-minded souls around. If we prioritise our pleasure-search over establishing firm anchor points, we are like footloose ghosts wandering the world, in search for better and more. Often it is better to hang on, to suffer, to overcome and to be committed than to roam the earth. When we are continuously in need of going to a new place, we must be running from ourselves.