Many times I have refused it. I thought, for a man of principles, it is important to do as he thinks is morally just. But I am not sure anymore if it is worth it. So far, the returns on my strategy are rather mediocre. It is far easier to go with the flow, at least when your mind is open to pursuing such a strategy. Mine is not. Something inside of me keeps me from doing the obvious, from doing ‘as they told me’. What’s the value of one particle in the flow? Where is it flowing anyway?

Soon I will turn 29. I live in a student home with three other, thus younger, people. I am still in love with the girl that broke up with me ages ago. I realised this week that I am not producing anything. Even the articles I write here are sub par. The administrative job, which I am quitting soon, does not bring me anything. I do ‘as they tell me’. It is my job. Even if I think there is lot of room for change and improvement, I gave up fighting. Besides, without cash a man of principles will perish.

Well, this is my situation. Even when we consider that not everything is in my hands, I take full responsibility for the situation as it is. Somehow I am trapped, or keeping myself trapped, in the circular flow of the roundabout. I see traffic passing by and wonder where they are going. I feel left behind… But then, are they really moving somewhere, or is it just my perception? Maybe they are also stuck at some point. We, humans, might be trapped in a rat race that makes us conclude we are (left) behind or at least in need of catching up.

So, those that are passing me at the roundabout… most of them seem to go with the flow. They wander paths that are stipulated by nature. In your twentieth you are supposed to find a partner, build a house and consider offspring. Get a job, work there for about 40 hours a week, go home and do some sports. This is the flow. This is what most people (seem to) do. At parties, conversational topics have changed from politics, the world, boys and girls to furniture, TV programs and holidays. Hello? I should add that they are academic graduates. Hello?!

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have my own apartment. But… I realised that, in this student home, there is always someone else around… to talk to about the day, the world and boys and girls, and to have dinner with, to get drunk with at times that are definitely out of sync with the flow. The young want to create the future, those in their late twenties settle for the flow. A conclusion that comes to my mind now.

I imagine a world, thus a life, in which we work hard, fight to achieve the extraordinary. A world that requires some ‘creative chaos’. Working times do not need to be fixed. Work when you think you are most productive. Do not line up in traffic jams, because it is one the most stupid thing a human being can do. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, not to repeat them every day!

It is this view of life… of meaningless actions… of talking about earthly, transient things that has given me panic attacks. In the end, all our lives are pointless. Even when you disagree with me at his moment, keep on reasoning until you’ll get to a point where it is pointless. It is pointless in time, though not when we get rid of time, i.e. this moment. Right now, my life could matter because… I love someone. Someone loves me. Because I invent something that stands out. Because I do write a good text. Because I am having a fantastic coffee with an interesting person. I matter to me and hopefully to another person. I guess this is another important point: my life only matters when it matters to others. We are a ‘social’ animal in the end.

It is up to me to decide: do I go with the flow? Assume I would go with it, I would be very unhappy. I have tried going with the flow, I am too different, as you have probably understood. Problem is, though, that the flow offers protection. The animals in the herd look after each other. I seem to walk at the outside, drifting away from time to time. How do I find my protection? How do I find those that understand what I am doing and, more important, why I am doing it?
Things are not given… fight for them. Fight for love, fight for pleasant company, fight for the view you think is right. Fight the flow!