It’s already been some weeks that I announced I would produce an article on cyclical societal developments. Ever since, I have not written more on this topic. I have not found the inspiration yet to proceed. Moreover, my computer has been malfunctioning. There are days when it refuses to start. No computer, no Internet, no email… I am a child of my time. Heeeelllppp!! Luckily, my company will provide me with a new one at the end of the week.

My computer is not the only ‘thing’ that broke down. I myself was close to a ‘panic attack’ again. Well, I had one… more or less. It could have been a lot more than less. I am actually not sure if it qualifies as a panic attack. And fact is: I was panicking… I was in agony. It is the life I am living, which apparently scares me. I feel trapped inside of a situation I cannot get out off. And I fear it will go on forever.

Right now, I would be unable to stage such an attack. But I am sure I could find fuel for another one when I go to work or the dentist next week. Lately, I had been considering writing a post about me with the post title ‘joyless me’. I think it is a lack of pleasant prospects that backfired on me. Not knowing what to do, and how to do it, adds a lot of weight.

If you have never been experiencing this kind of panic, let me try to explain what happens to me. It starts off with me imagining being in an endless situation that I cannot get out off or one that will cause me pain (you see, there you have a cause). The process of imagining goes on for a while. It needs to build up. In my case it builds up till I feel cramps in the lower part of my belly. In case of a full blown attack, I am not able to either change my thoughts or to relax muscles.

The cramps will evolve into tremendous pains. It is like a knitting needle being poked permanently into the belly. It makes me bend over of pain. I do not know how long it will continue (although, technically, I am doing this myself). It makes my pulse run high and take my breath away. At the same time there is a feeling of going down… choking. It is impossible to think clearly. One gets sucked deeper into the hole one imagines he is in… The pain is endless and awful.

I found out that it helps to take a pill and to call someone. Eventually, the most important thing is to alter the thoughts. The thoughts are initiating the pain. After the attack is over, the rest of the day is wasted. All the energy has been taken, and it leaves me completely empty. And then, there is the anticipation of having another attack… I am looking forward to the day this ends.

PS: I noticed that there is a problem with the lay out in IE6. I will try to solve this issue after ‘my’ new computer has arrived.