Under attack
I was in Paris last Saturday. I went there by car on Friday and came back the next day. It was my first overnight stay (at another place than my own) since October 2004. Three years and two months ago. I must thank my friend Edmond for this great opportunity. In 2004 I spent six weeks in Madrid (and Bordeaux / Barcelona). Came back, went to Madrid again 2,5 weeks later. In October I stayed in Brussels and Luxemburg. And then. The world came down. I was under attack… from me.
Ever since the attacks have come and gone. Once one learns to fear, the fear is always there. In that case, I guess, one needs to learn to de-fear. In order to do so, I need 1.) to learn to survive the fear and 2.) to dissolve it. As I was in Paris (and on the road) I noticed that I felt at ease in a city that I had visited already three times before. I even spent some time alone at the train station where I was with my ex-girlfriend. I had to take small elevators and did not panic. Still I was not fearless.
As I was lying in my sleeping bag… I realised that my panic (and its physical retributions) was there. Smouldering in my head, heart and intestines. It makes me think of the first time panic broke out. On 20 September 2004 to be precise. Monday morning. Around 8.30 AM. Maastricht. Train. There and then everything came together. And fell apart. I was biting my right hand, leaving prints of the teeth. It did not help to ease the pain. I bit hard. It did not help. My intestines were trying to strangle me.
More than three years later, in Paris, I realised again how it fitted together then, and how some things still remain open. Dark skies, commitments, fear of losing friends, relationships, no money, not being around like minded people, eternal solitude. End of runway. Crash. I am afraid of being stuck in places that I do not want to be stuck in. I had to flee the bus last week. Too many people that I do not understand. Bus driver loading more and more people on the bus. No movement expected coming hours. Trapped.
In Paris I realised that I fear the solitude the most. The not-understanding of the world of my need to flee from time to time. The world lacks safe havens that protect me. People going on without me. Spending more time alone. I tried to imagine travelling alone to Paris. Being stuck in a train, arriving with none to meet. No place to go. No money. What I am supposed to do? When is it all over?
PS: pictures can found in the Paris album
Good memories come back to me from Paris.
When is it all over?… It is maybe never over because, in the same direction as what you said in your next post, we are social animals and we look for others, so when we are alone we don’t feel completly safe. However , even if it can sound contradictory, a good start is to feel confortable alone. To enjoy the freedom of the loneliness; nobody to agree with, nobody to compromise with, time for own perceptions, time for being oneself.
Don’t remember seeing a little giraffe in Paris… Was it hiding under some kind of… blanket? :)
I think you are right: it will never stop. It will come back at times when we realise we are alone. Once one crosses the treshold, and learns to panic, it is easily recalled.
I have probably gone to the other side: spent plenty of time alone that I wonder if I would still be able to live together with others. I am aware of the positive things of being alone…
… also of the negative ones. There is something missing… the part between protection by the group and feeling at ease alone. What happens to those that are not protected by a group?
There can be different groups to be protected by: family, chilhood friends, university friends, sports friends, etc. Depending on everyone’s experience the groups can be different and even can be mixed.
The degree of protection of a group might also change from one group to the other, and from one person to another.
Furthermore, protection is quite often given in exchange to submission…
Do we need the group protection, the group affection or the group admiration??
I guess that protection can be defined in several ways. In a more narrow sense, protection would be exchanged for submission. More broadly, protection could be experienced within a group of like-minded people (transmitting understanding e.g.).
We do need the group to protect us (think of police and army or family members). We need the group to show us affection. It shows their appreciation of us participating in the group. Admiration is a bonus. Something we are given from time to time. If we are in need of admiration, we are short of self esteem. In my opinion.
Being alone, or unable to connect to groups (either not finding them or not doing your best to find them) will not do our life any good. It is harmful and affects our survival value as it weakens our defences (through depressions).
It is good to know how to survive on your own, in order to overcome the moments of absence of those we care about (love). Our ’steady state’ though should be one in which we are connected. Even if this means that we might change groups over time.
When you think of the ‘group’ you feel most connected to… what does protection mean? “Do we need the group protection, the group affection or the group admiration??” Same question to you…